Faith That You Look Back At

I just found this from back in the summer, but with the crazy camp life, realized I didn't post it on July the 17th as planned.  For all of you that know a little about our story, or any of you that have struggled with loss and coping together, but differently with it, enjoy and know you're not alone --- CJ

July 17th was the first difficult day in a long time at the Stewart cabin. It would have been Faith Anne Stewart's due date, instead it marked our calendar as a time of emotional pain and healing here. I will start by saying that I, CJ, dropped the ball on this day, but am so thankful I have a wife that loves me through the mess I often create. I deal with things much different than Dani, much different than most people for that matter. It may simply be that I'm just a guy, but I've got a hunch my life experiences have played a huge part into it. I lost more than a half-dozen guys in Afghanistan, I personally treated some "jacked-up" injuries on a few individuals, and following injuries, I spent 18 months with a lot of my brothers at the world's foremost trauma center, Walter Reed. So, I've become pretty desensitized to pain, physically, emotionally, and relationally. I closed that chapter of my life really when Danielle and I went through premarital counseling. It was the first time I really dealt with my experiences and laid some to rest. I've heard it said, and I now teach it, that sometimes there are things in life you can never truly get over, just simply getting through it daily is all we can do. Well losing Faith was the first time in a few years that I used my long-lost skill of walking through the pain of life, focusing solely on the Hope I have in Him, and forgetting the hurt I had presently. That's where I got into trouble, by expecting my sweet wife, and mother of Faith, to respond like me. Well for those of you that have been married for more than an hour, know how this unfolded. Danielle has responded to this challenge truly like a grace-filled disciple. She has shared this experience with hundreds of people showing them God's Glory doesn't hinge on our circumstances. She has not once questioned God nor has she once complained of fairness to this challenge. Her hope remains, solely on Him and I'm so thankful I get to be a part of her walk. Yet, she is still saddened at the fact that the daughter she carried for 18 weeks is not here and on some days it hurts her heart to think about where we would be in the process had this not happened. Yes, I am learning from her! 

Today though, as I sit here writing (other things than this blog) I was reminded of where we are now as a couple compared to before February 13, 2014. I can honestly say as I look back that Faith's story has not changed only our lives here on earth, but will change the lives of thousands for eternity. The love and life Dani and I now share, mixed with the passion and desire to share the Gospel with all that we meet, has a definite turning point connected to that day in February. Our future kids, natural (God willing) and adopted (by the grace of God) will reap the fruit from the grace, hope, and love that we have as a result of the seeds sown from this season. Sometimes, it takes looking back to SEE how God used a situation for His Glory, but I'm fortunate I get to look at her everyday and see God at work. 

So, husbands, fathers, brothers, and sons, don't just take a look at the women in your life, take notes from them!